I'm having a hard time working or doing anything today, unable to think about anything else but our loss of Steven. At this point, nothing lightens the sadness, but it's comforting to think about him and to remember some of the things we did together. So, here are just a few pictures and memories.

I went to see Versus, Steven's favorite band, last night. It felt like a memorial or a wake; they dedicated a song to him. In a better world, Steven would have been standing there right next to us, with a huge smile, drinking a Jameson's. Next time you are in a bar, have a shot of Steven's favorite drink in his honor.

Going through old emails, I'm finding little artifacts, a million specific details about things: he and I went to see a band in November '01, or we skated at Pier 7 at night, or we planned to meet for drinks on a weeknight, or he came over at 3:30 am to watch a World Cup game. There's a string from last summer where we were trying to organize a camping trip. It didn't work out - too many people were busy at different times - so we ended up just taking a day trip to Mount Diablo for a hike. It was a beautiful, clear, and hot day. After a long hike, we bbq'd under a big tree, overlooking the entire Bay Area.

In this picture, we'd just met up with Steven, Jo, Kathy and Lisa for lunch in Koreatown. For some reason we ended up at a furniture store afterwards and they sat in this couch on the sidewalk.

Three years ago, Steven was about to go back to Chicago to finish up school, so I took a picture of him and Cindy together right before he left. I was supposed to send it to him but I don't think I actually gave it to him until he came back.

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Steven loved the outdoors, camping, and hiking, as I do. Last summer we tried to organize a camping trip for our friends in the Bay Area, but it didn't work out - too many of us were too busy on different weekends. But we managed to get out to Mount Diablo for a day trip in October, just Steven, Frank, my wife Morgan, our baby Rae, and me. We stopped at an East Bay Adronico's on the way and assembled a gourmet feast for bbq-ing and snacking; we were just running through the store, throwing anything we wanted into the cart - it was all giddy capriciousness and anticipation. The day was clear, hot, beautiful. We took a long hike and enjoyed spectacular views of the entire Bay Area. Steven scouted out some large rocks and cliffs he might try to come back to rock climb later.

He helped carry little Rae on part of the hike. He had such a caring, gentle way about him, coupled with his youthful vigor; I could tell he had strong fathering instincts. We drove to an even higher peak for our bbq. It was a scenic point under a big tree whose branches spread out over our site. We had looked at a few other picnic sites, but Steven kept driving around until we found the perfect spot. For some reason, I normally get stuck with the tasks of setting up the grill and lighting the coals and flipping the meats, but Steven was a skilled and enthusiastic barbecuer who lightened my grilling burden considerably when he moved to San Francisco. On many occasions he was the man with the bbq tongs, making sure all his friends had heaps of perfectly cooked meat to gorge on. This time was no exception. After we stuffed ourselves, we climbed the tree and let the simple pleasures of the day sink in. In the pictures I have of him in this tree he's radiating a joy as bright as the summer sun. We all felt so fortunate that we had this day together.

I like music and I like going out to see live music. Some of my friends still do, but most are too busy, or too tired, or claim to be too old, or some other excuse, so sometimes I would go alone or would just stay in. But then Steven moved to town with his youthful energy and refined taste in indie rock. Hence, many of my fondest memories of him are going to see bands that we both loved. There are too many to mention, but a few stand out: one was a godspeed show on Halloween which was appropriately apocalyptic. Afterwards, we went to a bar and talked to a funny tall guy in a devil costume. In late 2001 I found out about a dj krush show somewhere in SOMA. Steven was the only one who would go with me, though he didn't really know the music. It turned out to be the best dj set we've ever been to, just a lot of fun. There were a few Versus shows we went to, every chance we got. Versus was Steven's favorite band. Richard from Versus moved to our neighborhood a year ago when Steven was also living around there, and we had mutual friends, so Richard and a bunch of others were all over at Steven's one night. Richard was very laid back, not like a big rock star, but Steven and I were kinda star struck and I knew Steven was impressed to have one of his heroes there in his apartment. At a show a month later they played "Linus", a song about Richard's cat, and Steven went up onto stage to crawl around and meow like a cat. Fantastic! A few nights ago, two days after Steven passed away, Versus played again in San Francisco. I went to it by myself this time, but I met up with some of our friends there. Chi-Hui walked up to me with a shot of Jameson's, Steven's favorite drink. Richard dedicated the set to Steven. The show was especially intense, it felt like a memorial or a wake, and I cried through most of the songs, knowing that under normal circumstances, Steven would have been standing there next to us, with a Jameson's in his hand and a huge smile on his face.

-Steve Kim

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